POKÉIDIOTƧ
by CB1610
Summary: Due to some horribly cliche circumstances, four guys (read: idiots) are drawn into the world of Pokemon. Will they survive? But most importantly, will anyone else? Arceus help us all.
1. 1 Pt I: The Adventure Begins!

**Author's Note:** A few of my friends and I made this out of pure boredom and insanity. I have to thank fellow writer, Trevaacin, for his help. I am so sorry.

 **POKÉ** **IDIOTƧ**

 **Chapter 1: The Adventure Begins!**

It was a perfectly ordinary day. The sun was shining, birds were singing, the local Bolsheviks were demonstrating outside the town's Walmart… nothing was amiss. Inside a store whose name shall not be disclosed, because product placement lawsuits are no joke, a group of guys stood waiting to purchase the latest and greatest generation of PCs. Like all technology, they would likely become obsolete in a few short years, but these men were not known for their foresight. Why exactly were they doing this? No one knew, not even them.

In short, things were going well. _Too_ well. But most importantly, too slow. "Ugh," complained Gavin, the squad's resident blond, and among the smarter ones (though this is a low bar), "this line is taking forever to move, why did I let you guys drag me into this anyways?"

Christian, the only black guy in the group, retorted, "Why are you blaming me? I don't even play on PC!"

A hand slapped his face, as Austin, the guy with khakis and unkempt brown hair, interrupted, "Silence mortals! PC is the master race!"

Isaac, who was standing in the back fiddling with his glasses, which had miraculously remained unbroken despite previous antics, took offense to this. "Blasphemy! The only master race is that of the Helix fossil!"

Next to Christian, Jake sighed and pulled at his own light brown hair in irritation, "Great… Gavin, look what you've started now, they'll never shut up about this."

Gavin looked back to Austin and Isaac, who had been joined by Ben and Sebastian (who will go undescribed, because everyone looks too similar to differentiate by appearance) in their debate on which of their obscure cults was clearly superior. Their discussion continued, to the embarrassment of their friends, all the way until they reached the front of the line. Most of them anyways. Nobody even paused when Joey touched a random PC and immediately got shocked by a random power surge, collapsing in a twitching heap as his red hair singed. A moment later, he jumped back up, like nothing had happened, and rejoined his friends, determined to revive before someone could teabag his body like the last time. As stated earlier, today was a perfectly normal day.

In the corner, a random life insurance agent cursed beneath his breath, "Great, at this rate he's gonna drive us to bankruptcy. We should have known better than to insure a ginger. They have no souls, so they just keep coming back!"

"Um," a woman interjected, "I don't really think that's how it works…"

"Shut up! This is serious business!"

Back at the counter, Gavin stood before the store clerk, surrounded by the idiots his friends. "One next gen PC please"

"Sure, they're on sale for you, that'll be only $100."

"Oh really? Sweet!"

The employee muttered, "Yeah, anything to get you out before you scare off all the customers"

"What was that?"

"Uh, nothing! Have a nice day!"

Having paid for the PC, Gavin left, his friends close behind them, as they planned to actually use the thing before what little left they had of that day ran out. No sooner had they plugged it in, when Isaac ran out of patience. "Gavin, turn it on, I crave more memes. If I don't get my fill soon Imma go into withdrawal."

"Isaac, you can't literally go into a withdrawal over me-"

"Oh yeah, then how do you explain that one time I passed out while drinking my ninth energy drink? WebMD clearly said withdrawal was the cause."

Jake coughed, "Isaac, I don't think WebMD is the best method of determining those things. You should probably see a doctor."

"Don't be silly," Isaac laughed, "if it weren't for WebMD, how else would I have realized I had cancer those five times last year. Good thing apples are the cure to all illnesses, or I wouldn't be alive!"

Gavin spoke up before they could get any further, "Back on track, let's go ahead and turn this thing on"

With a dramatic gesture, Gavin pressed the power button, the screen lighting up to reveal… _Now loading update 1 of 5,426._

"DAMMIT"

Speaking for all of them, Christian announced, "And now… we wait."

Three hours later…

The PC screen changed, the message now reading, _Updates complete, loading computer_.

"Finally, it's working!" Sebastian exclaimed, "Let's look up stuff!"

"First, let's test the search eng-" began Gavin before he was promptly pushed out of the way.

"Dibs!" Isaac was already at the keyboard, immediately attempting to open Internet Explorer. After five minutes of sheer lag, Gavin gave up and dragged him away from the keyboard. "Let me do this."

The others watched in anticipation, not because it was that neat, but because there wasn't much else to do while cramped into the room. Really, whoever planned this gathering was never going to hear the end of it. Naturally, Gavin looked up the only thing he ever looks up, Dragon Ball Z. The group facepalmed, and Isaac took the opportunity to get back to the computer. Gavin groaned, "Why Isaac? We all know what he's going to look up."

"Somewhat obscure Pokemon spin offs that most people have never heard of?" asked Jake, who hadn't spoken until this moment in hopes nobody he knew would notice him hanging out with the other guys. A futile endeavor, but he tried.

"No, I was going to say- is that Explorers of Sky? Dangit Isaac!"

"Sweet, Christian owes me five bucks."

"You placed bets on this?"

"Hey," Christian defended himself, "Half Life 3 was a solid bet on what he'd search first."

"Can someone just get Isaac away from the computer?"

"No need," Austin replied before he could get to it, "he's currently having a staring contest with the your dog."

"Yeah," Joey added, "You never told us your dog was so good at those."

"I… I…" Gavin trailed off, "Fine. This is fine. Let's get onto it. This is a big moment. We have to look up something."

Christian shot to his feet, having earlier sat down in boredom, "that's it, we'll look up Idiots!"

They all stared at him, and Austin punched him in the arm, "You idiot, you just broke the fourth wall! That thing isn't cheap you know, we can't afford to keep repairing it if we break it at this rate!"

"Wait," Joey interrupted his staring contest with Gavin's dog (having taken over after Isaac's surprising defeat) to process this new information, "You guys get paid?"

Jake banged his head into the wall, "We've been working full time for several years, of course you get paid. What, did you think the money would just magically appear in your bank account? You have to sign up for that first."

"Maybe? How was I supposed to know, I wasn't paying attention in economics."

"They told us… nevermind."

"They told us nevermind? What an odd thing to say…"

Jake resumed banging his head into the wall. It was less painful that way.

"You know," said Gavin as he looked at what they had accomplished, "I'm starting to realize there's nothing special about this PC. Welp you guys can go I guess there's nothing else to do now."

"Aww…" most of them complained, even Joey, who had joined Isaac and now Ben in moping at their crushing defeat at the hands of Gavin's dog.

They turned to leave, and had almost reached the doorway when the computer began humming and whirring uncontrollably. _ERROR ERROR_ played across the screen as the group stared in varying degrees of shock.

"Um…" Jake started, "What's going on?"

Nobody responded, too busy staring at the computer. Well, Ben and Isaac were staring at it, and Gavin couldn't get around them to attempt to do something. Same difference. Naturally, messages continued to scrawl across the glitched screen, now reading _WARNING OVERLOAD_ repeating time and time again.

Something in Isaac finally clicked, "Oh no! Twitch warned me about this! The PC demands blood!" Hey, I said something clicked, never said it clicked in the right place.

Not giving Isaac any heed, Sebastian began dragging them to the others could go to investigate, "What does it mean?"

Christian reached it, alongside Gavin, the two having pushed Isaac and Ben forewords to get there, " I think it means-"

He would have finished, had the PC not began doing what they always seem to do in fiction, dragging the four towards it. They attempted to resist, but actually pulling that off would end the tale here, so naturally their attempts were fickle, and they plummeted sideways into the screen with a cry of "What the hell?" Do not try this at home kids, results may vary.

The PC returned suspiciously to normal as soon as the four were absorbed, leaving the remainder still staring, because what else would they be doing, and highly confused.

Back with our four unsuspecting victims, they found themselves falling through a colorless void.

"AHHHHHHH!"

"What just happened?" Gavin called out, even through there wasn't really any sound to speak over.

"I don't know," Christian called back, also yelling out of habit, "One moment we're searching the internet, the next we're being sucked into the computer!"

"Yeah," Ben agreed, in a perfectly level voice, "It's like the cliche from that one show…"

Isaac pondered this, forgetting the fact that he was still falling through the nothingness, "You mean 'Santa Claus Conquers the Martians'? Though I'm not sure I remember that scene…"

Gavin stopped screaming long enough to stare at his friend, "How do you even find these things?"

"Dedication and boredom. Mostly boredom."

Before their discussion could devolve into something else, they stopped falling. Not because they hit anything, mind you, they simply began hovering in the darkness. They looked amongst themselves, confused, before a voice rang out from around them.

' _Welcome to a new world. I have summoned you here, never to return until you pass my trial.'_

Ben perked up, "Oh boy, a trial! Are we going to get to be heroes or something?"

' _Oh, nothing like that. I'm just bored and needed some entertainment. Being an all powerful fifth dimensional being does get dull after a while_

"Really?" Gavin demanded of it, annoyance leaking through his tone, "You just dragged us out of our lives so we could amuse you? Was the computer part even necessary?"

' _Of course not, but it wouldn't have been as dramatic if I'd just warped you here from the middle of the sidewalk. Your friends might have actually realized something was up.'_

"He does make a good point Gavin," Isaac said studiously, "Dramatic effect is one of the most important things to maintain when doing things. That's why the sacred monologue should never be interrupted, or why we should probably stop breaking the fourth wall."

"What? That's the dumbest- wait, should something have happened when you mentioned the fourth wall?"

' _That's no concern here. The fifth dimension has far more than a mere four walls. I would look out for the eight dimensional whales though, they get hungry this time of hour.'_

"Oh, of course, how could I have forgotten? I don't suppose you'll tell us what you want now?"

' _Ah! Yes, yes. It's quite simple. You'll be transported to the world of Pokemon through my dimension, and gather all the badges of the first six regions and defeat their champions while I watch. That should give me enough to pass the time.'_

Gavin balked, "That's… quite a task." Behind him, Ben and Isaac cheered, until Christian hit them over the head, "Are you two insane? It's a world of super powered animals, we're gonna die, jack $$es!"

Frustration seeped back into Gavin's voice, "Couldn't you at least give us a little preparation? This is insane!"

' _Of course it's insane, that's why I picked the experts!'_

"...fair."

' _And besides, it'd be no fun if you all lost instantly, so I decided to give you some powers to help you through.'_

"Is there anything you can't do?"

' _Play a ukulele.'_

Seeing this as a perfectly fit response, the voice fell silent for a moment, the only movement begin the sudden appearance of a light above Isaac's forehead. He stared at it, then began flailing in circles in the darkness trying to catch it. The voice returned before Christian could attempt to smack him. ' _There, now you'll be able to have visions of the future… or the past… or the present… basically it'll be completely random. But helpful. Most of the time. Maybe.'_

Isaac's eyes gleamed with excitement, "Whoa, it's like before I was mute, and now I can taste! I… can see everyone! And we're floating in this void, and…"

"We've been here for the past five minutes, dumb %$!" Christian and Gavin yelled simultaneously.

"Oh…"

Gavin looked beyond them, attempting to address the mysterious, plot convenient voice, "Will I get powers too?"

' _Well, I was gonna give you some, but those are copyrighted… so I got you a mallet instead.'_

Gavin held the large rubber mallet, which had appeared in his hands a moment before, with visible confusion.

' _Trust me, you'll need it.'_

"Hey," Christian protested as he looked at the first two, "How come I don't get anything?"

' _Oh. Uhh… here!'_

A pair of dark glasses appeared over Christian's eyes, shading them. ' _It's a magical pair of glasses to keep the sun out of your eyes!"_

"Yo, that's pret- hey! These are just sunglasses!"

' _Don't say I never got you anything'_

"Can I have something too?" Ben begged of the spirit thing whose identity is irrelevant anyways.

' _Hold on, wait. One second… aha!'_

A piece of paper materialized in Ben's hand, which he read eagerly, "Buy two get one free? Score! Thanks disembodied voice!"

' _No problem amusing mortal! Now off to your quest!"_

"Yeah!"

"Wait," Gavin attempted to stop it, "We need more prepa-" before he could finish, they stopped hovering and began plummeting once more, towards a light below them at began to grow larger as they approached it, "DANGIT!"

The light grew in size and intensity, until the four finally found themselves plummeting through an open sky. The air finally began tugging at them as they fell through clouds and towards the surface, they more alert two screaming all the way. "Guys?!" Ben called over the howl of the wind, "What are we going to do?"

"Easy!" Isaac shouted back, strangely confident, "Aim for the water, I've played minecraft before. If we hit it we won't take fall damage!"

Gavin threw a punch, only to miss as he fell slightly below Isaac, "This is reality, moron! The surface tension alone would kill us on im-"

"SHUT UP!" Christian interrupted him, covering his ears as he watched the ground come to meet them, "If we're going to die, can I at least die thinking I have a chance."

Isaac gave him a thumbs up, "That's the spirit!"

"Alright…" Gavin allowed, though no one heard him over the overwhelming wind, "AIM FOR THE WATER IT IS!"

The group linked together, doing their best to redirect themselves towards a patch of blue they were fast approaching. They finally hit it, impacting with a huge splash. A moment later, the group resurfaced, and dragged themselves out to the bank of the pond they had landed in.

"What…" Gavin gasped between breaths, "just happened?"

"Shouldn't you be more surprised about how we SURVIVED falling into water at high speed?!" Christian shot back.

"Christian's right," Ben agreed, "How did we survive that? Was it the mysterious voice dude?"

"Maybe it was the communists," Isaac suggested.

Gavin clenched his fist as he attempted to shake himself dry, "That's it. You die tonight."

Used to it, Christian turned his attention to the surrounding foliage, "We're in Kanto, right? We should look for a town or something."

"Nah," Ben decided, "We'll just find ourselves a pokemon."

"Isn't that a bit dangerous?"

"They're just birds and rats around here. How bad could it be?"

Five minutes later, the four dragged themselves out of a bush, covered in bruises and scratch marks, "Owww…" Isaac complained, "Maybe we should get something first…"

"Like pokeballs?" Gavin suggested.

"I was thinking rocks, but that works too."

"Maybe a starter would help?" Christian threw in.

"Yeah, like from that cool looking building."

"Uh?" Gavin began, "Should we really just barge in there?"

"Well yeah, this is Pokemon. Why wouldn't we just walk into someone's house uninvited and take everything we find? It's common policy."

"I'll hold you to that bet."

The group walked in, and a few minutes later, three of them emerged, each with a pokeball, while Ben remained unseen.

Isaac glanced at the ball in his hand, "I've always wanted a bulbasaur. Now to name it…"

Gavin gagged him with his hand, "No! That's enough references for you! For shame!"

"Mmff!" Isaac struggled until Gavin removed his hand, "No fair, you're the one who got the charmander…" He trailed off, having forgotten what point he was trying to make.

Christian coughed into his hand, succeeding in gaining his friends' attention, "Aren't either of you surprised Professor Oak just gave us pokemon? He's never even seen us before, and we just barged into the lab."

"Well yeah, have you seen us? Probably thought we'd end up killing ourselves without one." Gavin remarked like it was obvious.

"Don't be silly," Isaac laughed, "We can't die, this is a video game, we'll just respawn."

"For the love of God-"

"You mean Lord Helix?"

"NO! This isn't a video game, we've been sent here by a uncaring deity, one wrong move and we could die."

"Really? Dangit, I knew I should've paid attention in chess class!"

"That's not… hey, where did Ben-"

Gavin was silenced by an object slamming into the back of his head, knocking him to the ground where he lay groaning. Ben burst into the group from the same direction, laughing, "BEN EX MACHINA!"

"What… the… fu-"

"NO CURSING!" Isaac interrupted, "At least make the funny bleep noise! We have standards, you know!"

"Do we?" Christian asked, "Do we really?"

The group blonde groaned, getting to his feet, "Really, how did you get that?"

"Oh, easy," Ben responded, "While you three took the boring route of actually asking for pokemon, I just went to the back and took the one I wanted."

"That's illegal!"

"This isn't GTA, silly. If it's at all physically possible, nobody is going to try to stop you."

"I… can't take this anymore. Christian, I'm sorry, but it's up to you. I'm killing both these morons, then I'm putting myself out of my misery."

"Wait, no!" Isaac panicked, "I have so much to live for! How am I supposed to finish my bucket list if I die here? Could you really kill a man before he even gets to vacuum his front lawn?"

"Relax, I'll give you until tonight. Get comfortable."

Ben shrugged indifferently, too eager to recount his most recent decisions, "Anyways, this is my Snorunt, Allahu Akbar!"

Christian sank his head into his hands, murmuring, "So much for standards," while Isaac gleamed back at Ben, "My name is Jafar…"

Ben grinned back, "I come from afar…"

"There's a bomb in my car…"

"ALLAHU AKBAR!" the two finished together, howling like lunatics.

Gavin slammed their heads together, "And this is why I hate going in public with you two."

As if on cue, the Snorunt suddenly detonated behind them, leaving it sizzling in a small crater. Christian stared, "As happy as you are about this, you won't be able to win any battles with a pokemon that only knows explosion unless you get a second pokemon."

Isaac tilted his head in confusion, "Is that a bad thing?"

"It ruins the fun if I do that." Ben countered.

"It is if we ever want to go home. We have to beat every gym, all of them! That could take years!"

"Yeah," Gavin added, "we've been here over an hour and the only thing we have to show are these pokemon we were given and a whole lot of broken bones. We're gonna be here forever!"

"Unless… he never said we have to beat each region in order, if we really want to do this faster we'll have to split up. One of us will travel and defeat the gyms of one of the first four reasons, then we'll have a cakewalk through Unova and Kalos."

"Ooh!" Isaac drooled, "I love cake! I vote for this plan!"

Gavin's eyes widened, "What, no! You want to set those two on the loose, by themselves, with super powered pets by their side? Who knows what will happen!"

"Oh, I did not think this through."

"Too late!" Ben interjected, "I'm voting for plan A. And Christian gives half a vote since it was his idea, so plan A wins!"

Gavin's face began twitching, "What kind of logic is that?"

Isaac ignored him as the more eccentric of the four began drawing with sticks to outline their new plan, "So… Gavin will be the one to defeat Kanto, when we reach Viridian City, Christian will head west to Johto, and when the rest of us reach the port city of Vermillion me and you will head to Sinnoh and Hoenn respectively."

Ben nodded sagely, "Right after I make a stop at the Sevii Islands."

"Why there?"

"I have my reasons."

Christian sighed, defeated, "Well, we've got our complicated plan. Now to just wait and find out what goes wrong."

"You jinxed it!" Isaac exclaimed, "Now everything's gonna go wrong! What have you done?"

"Only one way to find out, let's get started already."


	2. 1 Pt II: Crash Course for Combat

**POKÉIDIOTƧ**

 **Chapter 1 Part 2: Crash Course for Combat**

With their discussion finished for the time, the group set course for Viridian City, arriving without instance a day or so later. It had been simple, almost _too_ simple for our "heroes". Gavin was the first to voice his surprise, "That went surprisingly well, nothing happened to us at all."

"Well yeah," Isaac answered, "the narrators couldn't think of anything to happen."

"What? That doesn't make any sense."

"Oh yeah? Then how do you explain how we suddenly got here? We haven't said a word since Pallet Town, because we were narrated straight here!"

"Isaac, no. Narrators are like God, they don't exist."

"Then how do you explain Morgan Freeman?"

"Wait," Christian interrupted, "Are you using Morgan Freeman as an example for narrators or God?"

"Both!"

Nobody bothered responding to that one, so for a moment the group walked in silence, now in the city outskirts. Before long, an old man approached them, carrying a fishing rod in one hand. He gave a slight smile at their confused expressions. "You lot seem like new trainers, could you use any help?"

Isaac was taken aback at the old man's assessment. "Really? How could you tell."

The man chuckled, "For starters, your pokeball is upside down on your belt. And only novices would let themselves get that damaged by a mere Pidgey."

Isaac looked at himself, appraising the scratches that still covered his body. "Dangit, narrators usually just forget about those details, now I'll actually have to take care of myself!"

Gavin pinched his friend, receiving a surprised yelp. "Idiot, do you _want_ to make us look crazy?"

The old man didn't seem to mind, however, remarking, "You youngsters sure are something else. Here, allow me to show you an easy way to add more pokemon to your roster, follow me."

The group obliged, and within a short time found themselves standing before a small pond, where the man had cast his rod into the water. The water rippled after some time, and with a strong yank, the man pulled a magikarp out of the water.

"Ah! A red fish!" Isaac exclaimed, "Dr. Seuss warned me this would happen! We have to run!"

Christian held a hand out for Isaac to calm down. "It's just a magikarp…"

"Doesn't matter to me," Gavin shrugged. "Pokeball, now!"

He flung a ball into the air, missing the fish by a foot. Scowling, he threw another, then another. After a dozen attempts, the ball hit the fish, where it shook and clicked. "Yes! First try!"

"But-" Ben began.

"The others don't count! I won't let you remind me how doomed we are!"

"I'm surprised you didn't have to weaken it first."

"Nah," Christian pointed out, "Magikarp's too weak to escape a pokeball even with full health."

His work done, the old man looked at the kids before beginning to walk off. "Well, I hope that helped, good luck!" then muttering low enough they couldn't hear him, "they don't stand a chance…"

Satisfied he had made marginal progress, Gavin began a beeline towards the nearby city, his friends tagging along. They didn't get far, however, when two men dressed in black ambushed them just outside the town.

"Hey, you lot!" the taller one called out, "hand over all your pokemon, if you want to live!"

The other cast him an odd glace. "Do we really want the pokemon of a bunch of guys like that? They're weaker than a Pidgey, no way they have anything of value."

His comrade was undeterred. "If we don't fill our quota of robberies for the month, the boss will have our head! Nah, we're robbing everyone."

A shrug. "Fine… alright suckers, what's it gonna be? Gonna make this easy, or painful?"

Christian shrunk back. "Uh guys, maybe we should give them what they want, I'd rather not die this soon…

Gavin wasn't so easily convinced. "No way, I won't lose to a bunch of grunts!"

"We've never even battled anything!"

"There's a first time for everything."

"Well yeah, like death!"

The two grunts trapping them scowled, "Guess this is going to get ugly," the apparent leader commented. Looking between the two foes, the group of four edged closer to one another, and released their pokemon (except the new Magikarp, of course). The grunts responded by sending out a Rhyhorn and Golbat. The two groups eyed one another.

The shorter grunt's eyes lit up. "Sweet, those morons have pretty rare pokemon, this is a score after all."

"Never should have doubted me," his friend replied.

"Says the guy who bet all his money on a three legged Rapidash. How do you think we were forced into crime?"

"How was I supposed to know it would just collapse immediately? The lower weight should have made it faster!"

"You're the one who cut off its leg, you monster!"

"Did not."

"I saw you!"

"Maybe it was a ditto disguised as me. Or maybe I have an evil clone. You have no proof."

"...whatever helps you sleep at night. Let's just mug these losers and get out of here."

"They're distracted!" Isaac yelled, "Now for a surprise attack!"

"Don't announce it!" Gavin reprimanded him, but too late to stop it.

"Bulbasaur, razor leaf!"

Two leaves shot out from Isaac's pokemon, arcing in the air before bouncing off the golbat, leaving no mark. "Oh, fudgesickles…"

The short grunt scoffed, "Like I said, weaker than a Pidgey. Air Slash"

Somehow undeterred, Isaac began responding even as the attack was launched his way, "In my defense, Pidgeys can be far stronger than they- dangit!" The sharp gust of wind succeeded in doing what words couldn't, Isaac snapped back to attention as it cut into his pokemon, and quickly recalled it. The attack continued past, a glancing blow knocking Christian's squirtle off its feet with ease.

The grunt who had attacked shrugged, disinterested. "I guess that just leaves the Charmander, then we'll gather them up for the boss."

Within the trapped group, Isaac sat down, defeated. "You know, I don't even recall ever using my Bulbasaur, how'd it get Razor Leaf?"

Gavin glared as his now useless ally, "In the forest, obviously,"

"Huh, maybe the narrators _are_ helping us…"

"Oh for the love of- Charmander, use ember, I'm going to focus on what's happening."

The small ball of flame flew wide, dissipating far to the left of its target. Gavin slumped forward, hope drained from his face, and Isaac patted his shoulder. "You know what they say, better luck next time."

"Next time? There is no next time, they're going to kill us!"

"Pfft, respawn time usually isn't that long."

"I keep telling you- you know what? I hope you're right. For once in your life, please be right about something."

Their enemy took his time to take in the looks on their faces, and was about to give an order when a voice interrupted him.

"ALLAHU AKBAR!" An explosion followed the shout, and after the ringing left the ears of all who had witnessed, they saw to their astonishment that the golbat had been defeated, now lying pinned and unconscious beneath a snorunt, still sizzling.

Its owner took a moment to recover from the recent turn of events, muttering, "I wasn't expecting that at all…"

This was the wrong choice of words. Isaac grinned, but Ben, who had finally shown himself, beat him to the punch. "Take that! No One expects the Snorunt Inquisition!" Gavin had a sudden urge to slam his head into a wall.

Fortunately, technically winning a battle with an opponent that much stronger awards lots of experience, and the two were interrupted from continuing their reference chain by a blinding light that had enveloped Charmander. Before their eyes, where there had once been a charmander was now a charmeleon. Far earlier than what would seem reasonable, but nobody was complaining. Not even Christian, who had given up on talking for quite a while now. Gavin pumped his hand in the air, this event being enough to completely forget how horribly outmatched he probably still was. "Yeah! The exp from the Golbat made my Charmander evolve, you've lost now."

The taller grunt was not impressed. "You know what they say, a victim a day keeps the debt collectors at bay. Guess it's my turn now. Rhyhorn, now."

Naturally, upon announcing the name of his pokemon, that is precisely what he sent out. Some may think saying this is unnecessary, but those novices have clearly never witnessed the brilliant strategy of naming one's entire team after one single pokemon just for a single moment of confusion. Truly the pinnacle of human intellect.

The grunt, who shall continue to be referred to as a grunt, because names take effort, gloated, "It's all over, horn drill will finish you off!"

Gavin's eyes widened. "Charmeleon, dodge!"

"It's no use, once Rhyhorn builds up its speed nothing is fast enough to dodge it!"

Gavin's charmeleon attempted to evade the blow, but it was to no avail. For once, something a villainous character boasted about actually happened, and Gavin found his pokemon launched behind him and into the ground, having been speared by the charging Rhyhorn. He gaped, horrified his newfound strength had failed so quickly.

Next to him, Christian paled as he looked between his defeated friends, Gavin still in shock and the other two apparently playing Go Fish. At least until Gavin took away their cards and proceeded to tear them up before their eyes. But that wasn't important now, Christian was far more concerned with his impending doom. "I'm the only one who can still fight…"

Isaac gave him a thumbs up for support, his other arm currently occupied digging a shallow grave for his lost entertainment. "Don't worry, just use a water type move, torrent will boost its power while Squirtle is low on health. And if all else fails, Gavin still has the fish he caught."

"The magikarp?"

"Yeah, that. Did you see the red on that thing? It must be covered in the blood of its victims…" Isaac shivered with the thought. "I'm terrified of it."

"I'm… just going to focus on your first piece of advice. Alright then use…. Ummm… water gun!"

Christian's squirtle, which had recovered enough to stand following the blow it had taken from the golbat, took a deep breath. It opened its mouth, and a small stream of water splashed against the rhyhorn's hide.

Their enemy chuckled, "Ah, nothing quite like watching the attempts of amateurs peter out to nothing. Now, time to-"

He stopped talking, as the water suddenly increased in volume, becoming a torrent that blasted through the rhyhorn and swept it not just beyond the battle, but halfway into Viridian forest, along with anything caught in the path. For a moment, there was silence, before it was interrupted by a low voice, barely audible over the shock of its speaker, "Dear Arceus, what is that monster?"

His comrade, despite having been the hestiant of the duo at first, seemed far less discouraged. He snarled, and grabbed his friend,l calling over his shoulder, "take your dump pokemon, but we'll be back for revenge! Maybe! As soon as we meet our monthly quota. Probably. Don't really have time to go on prolonged chases. But if we accidentally run into you, you'll pay next time!" And with that, the two ran off faster than a man in the running of the bulls. Or now maybe the running of the Tauros. Does such a thing exist in the Pokemon world? One can only wonder…

At any rate, Gavin was just as confused as anyone else there, and spoke for everyone when he said, "Well. That just happened." What? He wasn't wrong.

Christian glanced around him, suddenly eager to get a move on. "Well guys I guess it's time for me to head west to Johto to challenge the league there."

"Don't Kanto and Johto have the same league?"

"Badges, whatever. I have no idea where I'm going, but there are enough signs to help. I shouldn't get _too_ lost."

"You say that as if you've never gotten lost before."

"What? I'm pretty good with directions."

"Says the guy who got us lost ten times on the way to work. Ten! In the same month, too. We only live two blocks from the office!"

"Nine. That business with the street vendor doesn't… doesn't count."

Isaac didn't seem too concerned about it all. "No need to get upset about it Gav, he could always just call us."

"How do you expect us to get reception on a different planet?"

"I dunno, cellular?"

"Just… I'm not going to bother explaining to you why that wouldn't work. Not worth it. Let's just split up. Not like it's hard to veer off the road, it's bordered by a ridiculously thick row of trees on all sides."

"Yeah, how do they manage to get them to grow all neat in a line like that?"

"That's easy," Ben answered, "Just make one, then copy and paste over and over again."

"Oh yeah, why didn't I think of that?"

Gavin began twitching. "Christian?"

"Yeah?"

"You should probably go now. If you hurry you may not even hear their cries of pain."

And with Christian's frantic speed walking into the distance, Gavin's malicious glint, and Isaac and Ben hiding from a certain mallet that was being retrieved from its bag, the group split up. They began heading north, battling their way through Viridian forest until they reached Pewter City. One might wonder what they encountered along the way, but anyone experienced in the art of speed runs can assure you that a plethora of random NPC battles and pokemon encounters is nothing remarkable enough to recount. Well, for Ben and Isaac. Gavin was still the only one willing to admit the place they were in was all too real.

At any rate, they eventually reached the city. They were at the first objective, and Gavin made a beeline for the gym. There was nothing to stop him now, nothing except his inexperience and the accidental sabotage of his friends. But he had his fingers crossed, which is just about all you can do when faced with such inconstant variables. He stood before the building, and brushed off the dust on his clothes, clearly done with life. "Alright, I think I'm ready to face Brock now."

Ben, secretly hoping his friend would get his ass kicked, wished the blonde, "Good luck."

"Why do I need luck? Brock isn't that hard."

Yeah," Isaac agreed, "we've been training for a whole two days now, there's no way someone like a seasoned professional could beat us."

"Wait, was that sarcasm?"

"Hey, stop asking me about those hard words! I get it, I kept falling asleep in English class."

"Your loss. Anyways, Imma go in now." And thus, Gavin did exactly what he said he would, unlike a politician. He strode directly into the gym and up to Brock, who was sitting on one end of a stage and glancing at his watch.

The gym leader looked up. "Ah, I was wondering when another challenger would come. Have to say here all day when the gym's open, its a dull life aside from battles."

"Well, I'm Gavin, and this," he said as he pointed to his friend, "is Idiot #1."

"Wait," Isaac took a step back, "My name is Idiot #1? I thought it was Isaac! My entire life has been a lie!"

"Yeah, yeah sure. Have your existential crisis somewhere else, where did Ben go?"

"I dunno, said something about testing or whatever. I was too busy admiring the door."

"The door?"

"Yeah. It opens when people are near, but slides closed when they aren't. How does it know? It's the second best invention ever!"

"And I don't want to know what the first it."

"Ahem," Brock cleared his throat to get their attention. "Were you planning on challenging me or not?"

"Oh, yeah?" Gavin grinned nervously, "Sorry, can we begin?"

"Any time, kid, I'm legally not allowed to go anywhere. Now, prepare to..." the leader donned a pair of shades mid sentence, "GET ROCKED."

He didn't get a response, until a few seconds later Isaac burst out laughing. Brock shrugged. "That usually goes well with the new trainers, guess we'll take it seriously then."

"Please," Gavin responded, "I don't get enough seriousness in my life normally."

"Alright, I'll send out my pokemon first. You know the rules, right?"

"Uh, just knock out your opponent's team?"

"Ring out works too." Brock gestured to the stage around them, and Gavin took quick note of his surroundings. The gym leader went on, "I'll use two relatively weak pokemon for your first challenge, and you'll be limited to two of your own."

"Oh, that's a relief, I only have two anyways."

"That new? This won't last too long. Geodude will start for me."

"Then I guess Charmeleon is up."

The two sent out their pokemon, which stared each other down passively.

"Guess I'll begin," Gavin finally remarked, "Charmeleon, metal claw!"

Brock was unalarmed. "Geodude! Use your ultimate move! It's now or never, buddy!"

Gavin was caught off guard, his eyes tracing his pokemon as it rushed towards its opponent, now seeming to go far too slow. "Don't let it work! Hit him quickly!"

Brock smiled, "It's too late! Defense curl!"

"Wait, what?"

Surely enough, that's the move the geodude used, curling into a ball, a shine appearing in its rocky skin as Charmeleon's claws raked against it, inflicting only minor cuts. Brock burst out laughing, "Ah, you really thought it would be a powerful move, huh? Relax, this is an early match."

Gavin frowned in annoyance. "If that's all you're going to do, I'll just spam Metal Claw."

"And I'll keep on it with defense curl. I wonder who'll run out of patience first?"

Isaac raised his hand, "Probably Ben, he looked in for a moment and ran right back out."

The battle continued, each slash rebounding off the continually defending rock type, no blows managing to inflict an serious damage. Time and time again it happened, until Gavin finally broke the rhythm to ask Brock, "Why? Why are you doing this?"

"Because like a rock, a trainer must remain firm and patient, complacent with holding a single place."

"Save me all the cheesy metaphors, why are you actually doing this?"

"Because I can, why else?"

Gavin groaned, "Charmeon, just pick the thing up and throw it out of bounds!"

His pokemon, panting after it's flurry of attacks, struggled to do just that, straining to lift the pokemon and carry it to the edge of the arena. The geodude, still curled in a ball, offered no resistance, and was promptly dropped outside the stage.

Brock was unimpressed, "I was wondering when you'd remember the second means of elimination. Only took you ten minutes. Guess I'll up the challenge a bit. Onix!"

The challenger took a step back to take in the sheer mass of the goliath stone serpent before him, exclaiming, "It's… HUGE!"

Brock chuckled, "That's the way I like them, utterly massive and rock hard."

"Are you trying with these jokes or are you just going to keep making bad puns and innuendos."

"Hey, I took the time to write a list of phrases and by the fossils am I going to use them! For that, I'll strike first. Onix, Rock throw!"

Gavin panicked, "Dang it, not so soon! Charmeleon! DOOOOOOOODDDDGE!"

His charmeleon just managed to dive out of the way from the first boulder, but as it began to rise the Onix began preparing a second attack. Isaac spoke for both of them as he shouted, "This is getting out of hand, now there are two of them." On second thought, Isaac spoke for himself, while Gavin rolled his eyes as usual.

It all seemed over, at least for this challenge. That is, until a familiar voice announced a phrase Gavin was hoping he wouldn't hear again for quite some time. "ALLAHU AKBAR!"

An explosion rocked the whole gym, and the side wall collapsed entirely, revealing behind it a somewhat sheepish Ben picking up his still sizzling snorunt. "Uh, you saw it here first folks, this is why you should go to a clearing before testing the blast radius of your attacks. We all learned a valuable lesson here."

"BEN!" Gavin shouted, moments away from tackling his "friend", "WHY?! What are you doing?! I'm in the middle of a challenge!"

"Yeah, and rock resists normal," Isaac pointed out, "that was a terrible attempt at sabotage."

Brock himself was clenching his fist, restrained rage seeping into his voice, "Do you have any idea how much damage you've caused, that's a quarter of my gym! I only had the walls and the dirt arena!" He gestured at the stage they were on, a pile of dirt and rocks lined by a concrete border, which had gone undescribed earlier for no particular reason, "And now I don't even have that!"

Ben was backing away now. "No! It's ice… Oh… yeah. Too far ahead. Welp gotta go! Have fun repairing the gym!" He took off into the distance before anyone could stop him, darting off faster than a communist to a bread line.

"Hey! Get back here!" Brock called after him, but to no avail. By the time he'd realized he needed to take action, Ben was already out of sight. Thoroughly pissed off, he turned to the two that remained, "So you punks are responsible for this, huh?"

"Um," Gavin stuttered, caught in the spotlight, "I don't know what you're talking about, I've never met him in my life, I swear."

"Don't even try it. The gym is in ruins, all due to the actions of your friend. He _will_ be made to pay for it. I can't make you do it, but I can disqualify you. Convince your friend to repair what he caused, and I'll let you challenge again when the gym is rebuilt."

"But- but- I guess there's no other choice. Come on Isaac, I need to give Idiot #2 a piece of my mind."

Isaac trailed after him, confused. "Wait, is my name Isaac or Idiot #1? Which one is the truth?"

"Don't care! Come!"

The search didn't take long, Ben was perched in a tree just outside the city, attempting to swat several Spearow away from the berries he was trying to grab. When he noticed the two, he jumped down. "Well, did you win?"

Gavin didn't even hesitate. Within a second, the mallet was out the bag, had met its target, and Ben was groaning on the ground. He rolled over, cursing. "What was that for?"

"YOU BLEW UP THE GYM! It'll take months to challenge the gym again! Months! Keep this up and we may be old men by the time we get home. I can't deal with that! I have a life to live!"

"Really? Since when?"

"Shut up or so help me, I'll make sure there isn't enough of you for the police to even recognize."

"Don't be so angry. You didn't even need to win anyways. I stole a badge from behind the gym while you and Brock were busy having that stalemate."

"You… you… you're insane, will that even count?"

"Sure, why not? The voice said we needed to get all the badges, never said how, we just assumed."

"...fine. I'll take it. You can live, this time. You better begin your journey to Hoenn now, I refuse to travel with a wanted criminal."

"Oh sure, I've got some uh… errands to run, then I'll be on my way."

"What do you- hey! Don't run off already!"

"Sorry, gotta get there before my face is on the news! You know the drill, bye!"

Ben ran off, heading vaguely towards where Cerulean City. Gavin sighed, and with Isaac by his side the lone remaining group headed off, with Mount Moon looming in the distance.


	3. 1 Pt III: Things Get Complicated

**POKÉIDIOTƧ**

 **Chapter 1, Part 3: Things Get Complicated**

Things were going well for Ben at the moment. Quite well, actually. Only a few days into his journey and he was already the most wanted man in Kanto. Or we would be, hopefully after he left his current destination. And to think his parents had said he'd never amount to anything! That'd show them.

The road to Cerulean City had been quite easy, actually. Or, at least, easy for someone more than willing to take a few "shortcuts" along the way. Nobody needed that old tunnel anyways. Not that they had any proof. And NPC's weren't exactly a concern anyways, he had plans to follow through with.

So there he was, walking through the streets of Kanto's northernmost city, without a worry in the world, completely unconcerned with the looks he was getting as he muttered to himself. Ah, it was nice to be able to ignore tedious things like consequences. He stopped suddenly, too focused on gathering his thoughts to pay any mind to the woman who had dart to the side with a startled yelp, narrowly avoiding collision with another pedestrian.

Oblivious, Ben said to no one in particular, "Okay, I need to go to the Sevii Islands, but I only have one Pokemon…" This was the same line of thought he'd been stuck on for a while, and so far had found no easy remedy for the problem. Sure, there had been pidgey, rattata, and zubat in plenty on his path here, but nothing quite caught his eye. Nothing that could really make a huge bang, like his snorunt, and certainly nothing interesting. As he ran through the short list of pokemon he still remembered in his head, his gaze scanned the surroundings, finally falling upon a man sized hole carved into the cliff face of an outcrop north of town. His eyes lit up, excited. "That's it, I'll go into that cave over there and find some pokemon!"

He didn't wait to go through with it, either, already sprinting outside of the small city (to the annoyance of local traffic, which swerved to avoid the reckless man bolting ahead of them). Within moments, he was in the water, crossing the river separating Cerulean City from its nearby cave. His strokes were strong, and he was halfway across when something tugged at him from below.

Ben cast a quick glance down, and, not at all intimidated by the Tentacool that held onto him, released his snorunt into the water. A dull thud echoed from the deep as it detonated, and Ben returned his pokemon as he felt his leg released, already focused on reaching land. He reached the opposite bank with no more interruptions, and hauled himself ashore. The ground itself was remarkably flat before the cave entrance, and now much closer it was obvious the cave's entrance was closed off, covered in tape and multiple warning signs.

Ben shrugged as he produced a pair of scissors and began cutting away at the obstacles. "Not sure what those say, but I'm not gonna listen to anyone telling me what I can't do."

Not too long afterwards, he was standing just inside Cerulean Cave, surveying the structure, when a blob caught his attention as it dropped from the ceiling.

"A ditto? Cool! Pokeball, go!"

Not having legs, the Ditto wasn't exactly able to respond before the ball made constance, and in a flash of light had been absorbed into the capsule. As an excited Ben watched, the ball shook once, twice, then a third time before giving an audible click, finally laying still. Ben pumped his fist into the air, "YES! I got a ditto! I'll name it… son. This is going to be great."

He exited the cave, feeling a new sense of improvement and ready to outrun law enforcement. Of course, he was still stranded across the river, now with no concious pokemon, but that wasn't an issue. Or, at least, Ben didn't consider it an issue. Crossing back wasn't hard, now that the wildlife has been scared by the earlier explosion, and Ben was back in Cerulean in no time, not bothering with delays like drying himself off. His mission accomplished, he stopped by at the Pokémon center to heal his snorunt, and had just emerged when someone approached him.

"Oh, hello sir!" Greeted the girl who seemed oddly familiar, though Ben couldn't remember why. A named NPC or something? Unless Gavin was right about the whole not a game thing. But that sounded absurd. Ben had played Pokémon before, it was definitely a video game. Maybe the disembodied voice was a really good developer or something… Ben would have gone on, had the girl not continued, "Would you like to challenge our Pokemon gym?"

Ben shrugged, disinterested, "Nah, Gavin'll be around to challenge the gym soon enough. I'm not strong enough anyways, my Pokémon are low leveled."

She looked slightly disappointed at this, which made Ben wonder if they really had so little entertainment around here that they needed challengers to keep occupied. Gee, he almost felt bad for them. "Oh," the girl finally said, "you can always raise your Pokémon at the local daycare, it's just south of town."

Ben's eyes lit up. "THAT'S IT! Thank you, random stranger!"

"Uh, you're welcome?"

Ben started laughing madly, "Soon… I'm gonna be invincible! See ya!" He sprinted down the street, before skidding to a stop, taking one look at a street sign, and bolting in a different direction. Shortly after he disappeared from her sight, the girl heard the sound of screeching tires, followed by a loud crash and several angry voices.

She sweatdropped, "Why can't we have a normal challenger around here? I might even miss the brat and the mute now..."

Back with Ben, he ignored the car accident he had called and the people chasing after him, caring only for his new plan. It was the best plan, really. He would know, he'd thought of it himself. As some old dude had once said, "If you want something to be hella lit, you gotta hit dat yeet yourself" or something like that. Whatever it was, it sounded profound and confirmed what Ben had already known, his decisions were the only ones he needed to listen to.

At long last, Ben had ran to the daycare. Or, ran into the daycare. But nobody needed to know that last detail. Ben strode confidently into the place, knowing his largest pair of ankle socks would help him assert dominance and assure nobody questioned him, and addressed the Day Care Man (He might have had a name, but Ben wouldn't have bothered to remember that anyways).

More accurately, the Day Care Man tried to address him first. "Hello young-"

The elderly man was cut off before he could get any further. "Iwannadepositmysnoruntanddittosotheycanbangandhavebabiestogetherwhoicaanblowupconstantly," Ben blurted out, gasping for air while patiently looking at the man behind the counter.

The elder was taken back, confused. "Well okay then, young man."

Ben did a fist pump, further confusing the man he planned on doing business with. "Yeah! Can you begin."

"Well, er, sure, I'm glad you're so, um, enthusiastic about the fine art of pokemon raising. You must care deeply for your pokemon"

"Yeah yeah, sure. Look can we get started? I've gotta get out of here before the poli- I mean my friends arrive."

The Daycare Man's eyes narrowed, if only slightly, before turning to gaze for a moment at the field behind his shop, where several pokemon were grazing. "Don't worry kid, I get it. I've even done business with mutes before, don't remember how, this'll be fine. Just select two pokemon to deposit with me and return when you need them again."

Ben nodded a bit too quickly, before grabbing both his pokemon from his pockets and tossing them in the general direction of the shop owner. He was already halfway out the door when the man called something about contact information, but Ben was too impatient to wait around any longer. He had a complex series of plans, and by the memes was he going to complete them, or get arrested in the process. Really, he had a 50/50 chance now, depending on how quick he was to act. All in all, better odds than usual.

A short trip later, Ben was in Cerulean again, and thankfully, no closer than the outskirts. Now he couldn't get delayed by those random NPCs that'd been yelling at him for some reason. Really, this is why Ben couldn't stand these kinds of video games. So many dumb obstacles…

Back to the point, Ben was now in the Bike Shop, and had hardly gotten inside when the shopkeeper addressed him with an annoyingly cheery voice. "Hello, sir! Would you like to buy a bike? It's only one million dollars, a limited time only sale. Now with free shipping and handling complete with the purchase of two or more bikes."

Ben laughed nervously, "Yeah, uhhh… about that… you wouldn't mind giving me a small loan of a million dollars, would you?"

The shopkeeper gave him a grin that Ben could've sworn was more than a bit sadistic, and pulled a clipboard out from under his counter, presenting it to him. "Alright. Don't worry, I'll just need you to sign here, here, and here, promise to return the loan within a month upon penalty of death, and completely ignore me."

Of course, before he was done with the explanation, Ben had already scrawled his signature in as many places as it seemed to be needed, and was eyeing the bike greedily. The man retracted the contract with an odd glint in his eye that Ben decided to completely ignore, instead he grabbed the bike off its shelf and mounted it, indoors (to the horror of everyone who saw it), and pedaled out of town, back to the daycare from earlier. Upon arriving, he got off (read: leaped, half rolling and half crashing into the ground as his bike sailed into a bush) the bike and ran back into the daycare.

"Old man!" he began, "are the babies ready?"

"I'm sorry sir, the what?" The daycare man replied, gradually getting used to the confusion he felt every time Ben opened his mouth.

"Babies, eggs, whatever. I need me my expendable army, pronto!"

"Ah, you're a prospective breeder. I'm afraid reproduction doesn't work like that. You see, the courtship of each species is unique and-"

"Ew! Don't tell me about the Birds and the Trees, I just want my cannon fodder. I've gotta have taken like, ten thousand steps, there's no way they're not ready."

"How many did you expect? Two hundred thousand units with a million more on the way?"

"Maybe."

The old man sighed, shaking his head slightly. "That's the problem with this generation, isn't it? Too focused on seeking that darn instant gratification to focus on the here and how. Why when I was your age… well, something must have happened. My memory doesn't go back that far."

"Probably the software resets."

"Is that what they call em nowadays? You kids and yer fancy slang… Anyways, young man, you'll be lucky if you get one egg in a month with most species, unless you fancy breeding rattata or something."

"A month? That's way too long. Don't you guys have some Viagra or something to speed it up?"

"Some what!?"

"I dunno, I wasn't listening that well to the commercial."

"Well, I'm afraid there's no way about it. You'll have just sit it out and wait for the results."

Ben grit his teeth, muttering, "Or go on a major crime spree."

The daycare man strained his ears to try and hear him, "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"

Ben laughed nervously, "Uh, nothing... I guess I'll just take my pokemon back then."

"Sure thing," he got as a response, "Your Snorunt will be $300…" Ben quickly tossed a check at the man, despite not actually having a bank account, while the man continued, "and if you want your son back, it'll be $1000."

"No thanks," Ben said between giggles, happy at least some of his plan had been completed, "he was only needed for his loins."

With that odd ending, Ben abandoned his recently caught ditto at the daycare, and set off to continue his quest to spread chaos.

* * *

Elsewhere, Christian had succeeded, somehow, in reaching the foot of Mt. Silver, which he believed divided Johto and Kanto , and was attempting to get a bearing. Noticing the pokecenter located nearby, he mentally clapped himself on the back, noticing it did indeed read Mt. Silver on the location. Determined to complete his quest so he could return to the relative stability of his home, he entered the mountain's cave.

Naturally, it was within moments of walking inside that Christian began to wonder if something had gone wrong. Sure, everything seemed to be going fine at the moment. But that was the problem. Things were _too_ fine. When was the last time anything he'd done had happened without a hitch? Not since he had met Isaac. Then again, Christian had always known Isaac. Which probably explained why he'd gotten himself into a dead end job with no hope for better prospects.

While Christian was busy thinking about all the various flaws in his life and how they invariably stemmed from his friends' bad decisions, he forgot one crucial life lesson: always keep an eye out for cliche cliffs that crop up every time you stop looking where you're going. Naturally, this is exactly what he found himself falling into, having just begun to scream when he plunged into icy clear water below. Christian gasped for breath as he broke the surface, dragging himself out onto a convenient ledge nearby, shivering.

"Just five minutes off road, and I've already fallen off a cliff," Christian stammered to himself, "what a great start."

Frustrated, Christian began kicking the rocks he came across as he trekked slowly up to higher ground, pausing when one object made a distinctly un-rocklike sound as it was knocked away. It only took a few moments for him to identify what the curious object was. "Huh, a radio. Wonder how it got here." He froze, halfway bent to pick the object up, confirming with a glance that he was alone in the depths. "Well," he finally said, "If I'm going to be here awhile, I guess some music would be nice."

A faint echo reverberated Christian's spoken words around the passageway he stood in, while he occupied himself with fumbling with the radio he'd picked up. A few turned knobs later, and it sprung to life, somehow managing to get reception deep underground. Ah, the wonders of nonexistent technology. A melody began to emanate from the device, between frequent bouts of static, and Christian's face lit up with recognition. "Hey, I know that song," he said, already cheerier than earlier, "it's from _Platinum and Pearl Versions_ , or something like that… eh, close enough."

A faint bell sound echoed from somewhere nearby. "Huh, don't remember that from the song," Christian remarked, "guess my memory isn't so- ah, it's a chingling. Guess it was about time to expand my team anyways."

He retrieved his sole pokemon's ball, and with a toss the encounter had began. Little did he know, he wasn't the only one dealing with caves.

* * *

Gavin panted with exhaustion as sweat dripped down the brow of the blonde. He trudged behind Isaac, with the only shade being the shadow of the slightly-taller idiot in front of him.

"It literally feels like my bones are on fire, man", Gavin wheezed, "How much farther?"

"We should get there in about two Isaac years". Isaac smiled, grinning like a madman. "Give or take a few inverted minutes."

"Oh dear God", Gavin whimpered.

"Which should translate into about negative six seconds by the time of you mortals."

"Wait, what now?", the blonde looked up, confused. Slowly, he turned to his right and noticed the cavern gazing in front of him.

"Here we go now", Isaac smiled, dashing into the cavern. Giving a tired chuckle, Gavin straightened his back and followed right behind him.

The tunnel was dark, eerie, and cold (like the souls of the writers), but the two continued on in their vain effort to do whatever the hell they want.

"So, what exactly is supposed to happen right now?", Gavin asked, "Do we just click our heels three times?"

"That wouldn't work, we'd need to kill a witch first", Isaac pointed out.

"Of course", Gavin rolled his eyes, "So, what do we do now? Just sit around and wai-"

*KABOOM!*

It felt as though reality was being ripped through as a white and blue light burst in front of the two idiots. Large blue tentacles began to reach out from the light, causing Gavin to turn into a chick from a horror movie and shriek at the top of his lungs.

A deep-ass voice came from the white void, "IIIIIIIIIISAAAAAAAAC!"

"WHAT THE FLIM-FLAM, FRICK-A-DICK BUTTSAUCE IS THAT?!", Gavin screamed.

"Oh my gosh...It's him. The one. The only." Isaac smiled.

The void was pulled farther open as a figure emerged from the light.

Tears of joy fell down Isaac's face. "Lord...Helix."

The blue mollusk hovered in front of the two, speaking in a calm voice, "My not-children. Welcome to my abode."

Isaac quickly got on the ground and bowed to the god, "WE'RE NOT WORTHY! WE'RE NOT WORTHY!"

The only way that Gavin got down on the ground was by fainting.

Helix floated forward and placed two of its tentacles together, "Mighty Isaac. Useless Gavin. You have finally arrived. I've been expecting you ever since you got here."

"To this world?!", Isaac gasped.

"No, to this cave about five seconds ago", Helix replied.

Gavin moaned, slowly getting up, "Uhh...my head." He looked up, eyes widening, "Oookay, wasn't an acid trip. This is happening...Sweet."

"I have come to give you two the best that I can offer you for this quest", the cephalopod grinned.

"Guidance? Food? A goddamn map?", Gavin sarcastically asked.

"BETTER! NOT-WISDOM!"

Isaac's eyes beamed while Gavin merely sloached, "...What now?"

"Not-wisdom is the best thing that any one man can not ask for", Helix explained, "One must always have it in order to not do something!"

Gavin shouted, "But we DO want to do something!"

"No, you don't", Helix snickered, "Anyways, here you go, brave travelers! The blue of the grass and the fat of the Pikachu must denominate the button of booms!"

Isaac gasped, as though this was the greatest revelation since sliced hands, "WHAT SPECTACULAR NOT-WISDOM!"

Gavin moaned, "Why I haven't I murdered you yet?"

"But, my lord, how can we boom the button if the fat is not there?!", Isaac asked.

"My dear child, ice melting and cracked firewood cannot split the sky if the folder is not matched by the neutrons."

"I wish I was high right now", Gavin sighed, feeling his brain cells die off.

"I must leave you to your world now", the mollusk proclaimed, "But know this!"

"How about no?", the blonde gasped for the last remnants of intelligence in the room.

"Go right down the path, down the mountain, head east, just merely follow where the moon rises, go through the forest, make a right, and you should reach your destination", the creature spoke, in a straightforward, normal tone.

The two stood there, shocked at the creature's sudden wisdom.

"Sweet, thanks", Gavin smiled in an honest tone.

"WHAT?!", Isaac shouted, "MAKE SENSE, YOU GOD! MAKE SENSE!"

Helix tilted his head, "Hmm...clearly, the Isaac one needs assistance with guiding through this world."

"Yeah, trust me. I'm not dealing with his ass all day", Gavin nodded.

"Perhaps a group like your requires...another member."

Isaac gasped, "REALLY?!"

Gavin tilted his head, "Really?"

"Grab my bags, my dear dunderheads! We shall leave this dear mountain and head down the forest!", Helix cried out.

"YAY!", Isaac shouted, "GROUPIE!"

"I don't think you know what that means", Gavin shook his head, "Alright, fine, I guess you can come."

"PERFECT!", Helix shouted, "You two, grab my suitcases!"

"What suitcases?", Gavin asked.

A giant pile of interdimensional suitcases popped out of the cosmos, crashing onto the ground. The Pokegod floated away, leaving the two to deal with his luggage.

Gavin blankly looked down, "Isaac, what's Poke-Hell like? 'Cuz I'm on the verge of murdering a deity."

* * *

Meanwhile, back in the old world, their friends were still standing around, cautiously eyeing the laptop that had consumed their friends earlier.

Jake spoke for all of them, saying, "Um, what the actual #$%ing #*& just happened?"

"Watch it!" Austin snapped as he spun in Gavin's swivel chair, "There are children here! Mind your tongue."

Jake rolled his eyes. "We're all adults."

"Physically, sure."

"Yeah," Joey chimed it as he, to no avail, attempted to bribe the computer for his friends back, "Sebastian can be really immature sometimes."

The others stared at the ginger for a moment, but said nothing. Finally, Joey sighed, balling up his forged check and tossing it to the ground, "Man, the one time something interesting happens, and it happens to those guys…"

"Yeah," Sebastian agreed as he leaned against the far wall, "I wish we could save the world from a giant monster and a video game CEO. That'd be sweet."

Jake gave him an odd look. "Why that of all things?"

Sebastian shrugged in response. "I dunno, it just came to me."

Ordinarily, this is the point at which the four remaining friends would have departed, at a complete loss of what else to do. But, that would have been expected. Before the group could so much as turn to exit, a rather loud voice interrupted them all. The sound echoed from outside, shouting, "IDIOTS! YOU WILL EVACUATE THE HUMAN RESIDENCE OR THE HUMAN RESIDENCE WILL BE INCINERATED!"

Sebastian raised his hands in alarm, despite that whoever that had been shouting was nowhere in sight, frantically yelling, "I take it back! I take it back! I don't want to have an adventure!"

Jake, meanwhile, was more peeved than alarmed at the moment. "Wait, did they just call us idiots? Rude…" he complained.

Austin looked around him, and seeing nobody making a move, took the initiative by grabbing Joey and dragging him with him, the others following. "We need to get outside, unless you want to get burned!" he called over his shoulder at the rest.

The four made it out the doorway, and no further. To the astonishment of all of them (except Joey, because he was too busy complaining at Austin to notice), they were completely surrounded by what appeared to be a large group of armed agents, suits and all, which had emerged from a few black vans parked in the street. Above, a helicopter circled the house.

"Damn it Austin!" Jake exclaimed, "What did we say about smuggling pandas across the border?"

"Not to get caught?" Austin replied.

Jake gave him a curt not. "Exactly. Now look at the mess we're in."

While they were talking, an agent had walked up to them, distinguished only by an unfamiliar symbol on his jacket. "Hello there, idiots. My name is Dmitri Orelov, Level 8 agent of the Post-Rift Observational and Containment Unit, also known as PROCU," he introduced himself, emphasizing the name of his organization as he did so.

This gave them pause, and Jake spoke up first, wanting to get one detail out of the way before he began to try and deal with the rest of them. "Why do you keep calling us idiots?" he asked," I mean it's true, but it hurts."

Orelov gave a small (and slightly creepy smile) while shaking his head at the group. "In some dimensions, the idiots are hailed as heroes. Even Joey, surprisingly."

Sebastian gave him an incredulous look. "Wait, your dimension?"

"I see you have much to learn." Orelov looked between them, peering as if missing something. "Where are the other idiots?"

"Oh," Austin began to explain, "Gavin, Ben, Isaac, and Christian got absorbed into a PC. Today has been an odd day."

"Ah, yes." Orelov nodded, "the ways of the idiots are quite the mystery. Now, come with us or we'll kill us."

Joey groaned. "If I had a dollar for every time someone told me that…" he muttered under his breath.

The Idiots were led to one of the helicopters, all while being carefully watched by the agents all around them, and ultimately lifted into the air. A complex series of travel montages ensued, until they eventually found themselves in a space station, somehow.

They glanced around them at the somehow spacious interior, lined with strange artifacts contained in secure boxes and odd tools suspended in fluids to either side of them. Agents, much like the ones who had captured them, scrambled from one place to another. Despite being in orbit, the station had its own artificial gravity, and by all means seemed exactly like a typical military base. Except, in space. With weird things in tubes lying all over the place. And they'd somehow never heard of it.

Orelov walked ahead of them, addressing an important looking older man in a normal looking military uniform, adorned with odd badges, whose likeness flickered in and out as he barked orders at his inferiors. A hologram, Jake realized, though the minds of the others were elsewhere.

"Come in, commander," Orelov began, "This is Agent Orelov. Four out of eight idiots have been captured."

He got a curt nod from his superior in response. "Good. Take them to the lab."

Jake panicked, and attempted to break free, only to be restrained by one of the guards. "What do you want from us?" he asked.

Orelov shrugged. "Oh you know, the usual. Some experimentation, some dissection…"

"WHAT?!" Jake shouted, along with all of his hostage friends.

The agent didn't look concerned in the slightest for their fates. "Here at PROCU we have dedicated ourselves to furthering scientific progress. Unearthing and understanding the inexplicable. For years we have wondered, how is it, that eight guys, completely talentless, uninspired idiots, could save the world. Understanding requires experimentation, and we have found our test subjects."

"Please!" Sebastian begged, "I don't know these people! I don't have any powers! It's them you want, spare me! I'M TOO YOUNG!"

Jake gave him a scathing look. "Gee, thanks Sebastian."

"Wait, why don't you get the idiots from your dimension?" Austin asked, trying to work his way out of the mess.

Orelov shook his head almost sadly. "In our world, they vanished, replaced by a schizophrenic shadow of their glory, joined by a masked madwoman and constantly locked in combat with the only remaining sandwich vendor."

"Wait, what?"

"It's true. Universe two was a bust too, those guys are celebrities. They're untouchable. But you guys, here? You're nobodies. No one would even notice you were gone!"

Joey flinched at the truth in his words. "Ouch."

Orelov gestured to his subordinates. "Take them away!"

As the poor guys screamed as they were dragged down the hall of the once again surprisingly spacious space station, an agent approached Orelov.

"Sir," he adressed his officer, "we have recovered the PC."

"Good. Scan it for traces of extra dimensional particles, find the rest, and bring them to me. We will have the idiots, and nobody is going to get in my way."

* * *

 _And with that, our "heroes" found themselves divided, and pursued without half of their knowledge. Will the captured idiots manage to escape? Will Gavin lose his sanity? Will Ben be apprehended for his crimes? Find out, next time on_ _POKÉ_ _IDIOTƧ!_

 ** _A/N:_** And there it is, a single chapter has completed. Updates should come fairly smoothly, as the first ten chapters are already in script form waiting for adaptation, plus a special for much later. As predicted, the group has been split into a variety of parties, so future chapters will be divided by character (some will double up for short scenes) for ease of following.


End file.
